Proverbial Neck on Proverbial Chopping Block

Too many of my friends are lamenting lately that there isn't enough controversy in my blogging. They say I'm too vanilla, that I try to get along with everyone, and I don't like stirring the pot. Actually, none of my friends said any of that. Actually, I don't have any friends. These are the voices in my head. Now those guys I can't get to shut up.

But let's just suppose for a moment that I wanted to be controversial. Let's suppose I have some very strong opinions that might shock, anger, outrage, and dare I say, repulse you. After all, no one pays attention to middle-of-the-road, moderate, mainstream people. Just look at the news. Headlines are incessantly grabbed by the squeaky wheels and the lunatic fringe. So without further ado, I am about to propel myself into the media and perhaps even the ubiquitous YouTube viralmania, by taking a stand. Feel free to disagree, but I will be virtually sticking my tongue out at you and waving my hands with my thumbs in my ears. I never really understood the meaning of that latter gesture, but it will most assuredly cut you to the quick.

1. I detest the security tabs and shrink wrap on DVDs. The inventor of that needs to be found and bound in same shrink wrap. Maybe if that person tried to get out of it, he/she would understand the frustration.
2. I don't like Star Wars. Any Star Wars, including sequels, prequels, Nyquils. I realize I may be the only male on the planet who was in the Star Wars demographic when the first one came out (males 12-24) who does not like this movie. I am more of a dialogue kind of guy, and without the constant barrage of photons and strange-costumed creatures, there isn't much of that. I hear the gasps.
3. Citizen Kane is not a good movie either (more gasping). I am well aware that it is No. 1 on many people's lists, but it's No. 2 on mine, and that's not a ranking. His sled being named Rosebud did not evoke a startling reaction from me. There are a lot of things going on in that movie that don't advance the story.
4. I hate onions, but love onion rings. You should hear the deafening silence at the BK drive through when I order a Whopper with no onions and onion rings. It's a texture thing. Put all the onion powder you want in my casserole; it will taste delicious. However, biting into that transparent skin is a lot like biting into a beetle wing for me.
5. I have never nor will never watch an episode of Law and Order (insert extension here). I may be a little jaded on this one because I covered law enforcement and the courts for many years as a reporter, so I can't suspend my disbelief when they badger and beat up a suspect and then let him go because he wasn't the one. I watched each one for about five minutes just to make sure I was correct in not liking them. I swear to you in each one there was a line about finding blood and semen in the victim's underwear. I'm fairly certain I was eating something each time I watched. I won't make that mistake again.

That's probably enough for you to consume in one sitting. I'm sure you have a migraine from all the head shaking and screaming, "What?"