Life is Like a Bag of Potato Chips

I have a philosophy. Well, it's not so much a philosophy as it is a credo. No, it's not really a credo; it's just a saying. Actually, it's more of a lame excuse. But it's mine, nonetheless. Ok, it's not even mine. I stole it.

My philosophy of life is: Some contents may have settled during shipping. Sound familiar? Of course it does. It's the potato chip company's excuse for selling you half a bag of potato chips. And it works. We buy them anyway.

We have all bought into the concept that some of the contents may have settled during shipping. How do we know this? I'm no physics professor, but it seems to me that a potato chip doesn't weigh very much. Why should it settle so much during shipping? If one was shipping a bag full of bowling balls, now I could see those contents settling immediately to the bottom of the bag. And if they filled the bag of potato chips to begin with, there wouldn't be any room for them to settle, would there?

All the potato chip companies do it (except Pringles), and I'm pretty sure some companies do it with other merchandise as well. I buy my MegaMan 50+ multi-vitamins every three or four months. It says 120 count, yet the bottle is little more than half full. I actually counted the vitamins to make sure there were 120. Yes, I'm that much of an idiot. The bottle was little more than half full! What's the point? Do I feel like I'm getting a bigger bottle? No, I feel cheated. So, if all these companies can get away with this, why can't I? My excuse for everything from now on will be: Some contents may have settled during shipping.

The next time my girlfriend asks me to pass the bag of chocolate chip cookies and the bag is empty, when she gives me that look I will simply reply, "Sorry, dear. Some contents may have settled during shipping."

When my daughter asks for money and I give her two dollars, she's going to say, "That's all?" I'm going to say, "Some contents may have settled during shipping."

When Anthony Weiner was caught literally with his pants down on those web posts, he could have avoided total humiliation. He could have said that he didn't actually drop his pants; some contents may have settled during shipping.

I think this mostly occurs with my brain. I'm 56 years old. I have shipped a lot of information into that tiny brain in my day, and when the inventory gets too high, I must export some things. Then again, there is information that is still in there, but I have trouble digging it out. Those are the contents that have settled during shipping.

Sometimes I'll catch myself in the mirror coming out of the shower. I look at my stomach. Boy, some of those contents have sure settled during shipping. I turn around to catch a glimpse of the other end. Whoa! More contents; more settling. A number of women my age seem to complain about settled contents in certain areas too, but decorum prevents me from mentioning those areas.

So, the next time the IRS decides to audit you and you just can't put your hands on those receipts, just tell them that some contents may have settled during shipping. Somewhere, there must be an IRS agent with a sense of humor.

Incidentally, my blog is a little short today. Oh, well, some contents...