Down with Brown

I propose to eliminate the color brown. That's right. It should be outlawed. I know it seems like a drastic measure, but I have my reasons, and everyone must take a stand. Nathan Hale took a stand. John Hancock took a stand. Rosa Parks took a stand. O.K., she took a seat, but you get my meaning.

Let's consider the two organic elements in nature's vast array with which the color brown is most associated--dirt and defecation. See? It's not a pretty color. You hear people speak of pastel blue or pastel yellow, but there's no pastel brown. There's bright green, bright red and bright pink, but bright brown? I think not. That's because you can't improve on something that isn't a color to begin with. Oh, sure, people try to couch brown among various shades like tan or taupe or ecru, but it's all brown. Remember, as fancy as it sounds, ecru begins with ecchh!

It has other derogatory connotations as well. What do you call someone who sucks up to the teacher? That's right, a brownie. When the electricity isn't functioning properly, we experience a brown out. That can't be good. No person wants to be associated with the color brown. When you go to the beach, are you trying to get a brown? No, it's a tan.

Then there's the whole issue with the Cleveland Browns. Don't get me started. Yeah, the media led you to believe the team left town because of Art Modell, or money, or stadiums, or some such nonsense. We all know the real reason was because they couldn't stand the color any more. Now we can't change the name of the team out of respect for its founder, Paul Brown, so they had to move completely out of town to change the uniforms. The Baltimore Ravens, clad in purple, quickly won a Super Bowl. And what of the current Cleveland Browns? 'Nuff said.

Even words that rhyme with brown conjure up negative images--down, frown, clown. When you can't afford an elegant lunch, you have to brown-bag it. And when you want to hide a dirty magazine, it comes in a plain, brown wrapper. That's because the disgusting color draws attention away from what's in the wrapper.

Brown's problem is it aspires to be black. The next step below the exalted black belt is, of course, a brown belt. A brown-out isn't nearly as dramatic as a black-out. Black is pure, but you have to mix orange with black to get brown.

Even the dictionary is unflattering to brown. Brown rice is defined as unpolished, brown sugar is unrefined, brown paper is described as coarse, and a brown study is a "reverie in which one is unaware of surrounding persons and things." In other words, brown is out of touch with reality. Webster wouldn't lie.

So, having stated my case so eloquently, I am certain you will agree that brown has no useful function in society, and should simply be removed from our consciousness. I am unwilling to compromise on this issue, because, let's face it, there is no gray area here.